My first blog on this website and its a vulnerable one.... At the end of 2019 boxing day I woke up feeling a bit crappy, with a hangover and an awful feeling at the pit of my stomach that I had upset someone with some unthoughtful words - no matter how much I tried to justify to myself that what was said was unintentional and because alcohol was involved that somehow let me off the hook - I was tired and done with feeling like this - the physical symptoms I could just about handle but the emotional hangover from alcohol was to heavy to carry and it lingered... So thats where it started, I gave up alcohol for 4 months and read every book on quitting the booze, I listened to podcasts - I read and listened to so many things that I could relate to, I was completely absorbed in the topic and this blog is just a snippet of my thoughts on it, but with each week a sense of belief and trust in myself grew and I was learning and breaking old patterns.
I do not think I am an alcoholic, Im not a fan of labels but have complete respect for everyone and the paths they walk - I do think if any relationship is causing you discomfort in any way - then look at it! Its easy to do what you have always done and think this is how it will always be, because its safe - and our brains tend to choose safety over the new and unknown.
Anyway Covid hit and the kids were sent home from school - it was all a huge novelty the weather was amazing, we were biking as a family every day and I was making our little garden into a boho paradise scene, planting bulbs with the kids and one day the Gin and tonics just started flowing then the rose was being poured.
But my curiosity since then hasn't stopped, still reading and listening - I have done 2 bouts of 100 days and the odd month here and there on top of that initial 4 months - My awareness has been switched on and I do think one day me and booze will say our final goodbye. All that is certain in this life is change, Iv read and heard it time and time again but us humans resist it so, an example as a mother is to see your baby grow brings sadness as we are losing that little funny personality to watch it evolve into something new which comes with excitement and sadness and I suppose the same is true for parts of ourself. My identity has always been life and soul, chatty and up dancing first, I love that girl and thats who most people see, they like her too but that isn't all of me I am also quiet and love to be alone I can be shy and self aware, I love her too. We are many things - and I do believe I can be both with or without alcohol - but with investigation I treat alcohol like an escape - a door I step through to feel less and become more, this is real but short lived and as a result losing more hours the next day and feeling less like me for a while.
Since having a look at my relationship with booze and questioning it a bit more, finding that sense of self trust and belief I have achieved more, studying to become a yoga teacher and actually doing it and loving it - was alcohol holding me back who knows? I have never drank every day, always a bit of a binge drinker but hangovers bring my vibration down and emotionally having to drag myself back up to the surface of who I am again.
Anyway as I walk into 2022 I look my relationship with booze straight in the eye - I am aware of my family linage and the part its played, societies culture, relationships - all of these things contribute. My husband isn't a big drinker, Im am lucky that my family home is a place where well being is so important. I am changing, evolving and although there is resistance deep within me to stand still, I commit to the flow of who I am becoming and am doing another 100 days sober and who knows where that will take me. The picture I have attached is a photo I took this morning and I loved the idea of walking towards the sunshine.
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