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Updated: Feb 2, 2022

Motherhood right now

Its unrealistic that this post could cover my whole experience of motherhood so far, its ever changing, so instead I will write a short blog from my heart about where I am and what it feels like - a snapshot - I am currently away from my children on a short break in amazing Cornwall and having some distance from mothering so this gives me a little perspective, some space from family life to gather myself, take stock and calibrate. And the overriding message and sense that I feel as I enjoy the peace and cater to just my needs is that, wait for it……..ITS HARD - its so bloody hard!! No matter how many children you have being a parent is all consuming, physically and emotionally.

I have a 12 year old girl, 10 year boy and another girl who is 3 years old all completely different personalities, different needs and I am not sure if its their ages that they are at now and how they interact with each other which causes clashes and the fight for my attention is real. The pull to meet all their needs and do it properly can make some days feel like one failure after the next, each morning I wake with high hopes, good intentions of finding real connection with my children, passing nuggets of wisdom, handling situations like the grown up they need, reading with them, providing healthy food so they are well nourished, fresh air, letting them be who they are, laughing with them, listening to them.. really listening not always providing solutions but empathising, boundary setting with enough room to grow, And some days some of this happens but it never all gets done, not with the logistics of getting through the daily routine where Amelia’s one PE sock has disappeared, Harrys lunch box gone walk about and Layla just wants me to sit down forget all that and cuddle her on the sofa - like literally lay on top of me to stop me moving - lets not mention how they all communicate with one another.

What I have been thinking about during my wonderful wonderful break is surrender, letting it be what it is, in my life I always tried to foresee what a scenario would look and feel like, a birthday, a holiday maybe even mothering - I would paint the picture so well in my mind that it inevitably always left me feeling slightly disappointed - trying to foresee the future is a form of control, maybe that provided some safety for me as a child in unpredictable situations but it no longer serves me - its time to let go of what I think it should be and let it be what it is and that is always always better and I am learning that.

I feel like this break is the first time in 12 years that I have had real time for me its been so wonderful and I know I am privileged but its so important to rest and connect with who I am so that I can be the best for them. Most of the times in the past if I had an opportunity away from my role as Mum - I have partied and socialised which has been fun but can leave me completely depleted - this break has been a reset.

We can often fall into the camp of thinking the grass is greener, looking over at that young couple with no children drinking their coffees without a climbing toddler and 2 preteens bickering - we can long for that freedom and peace but people with all that freedom and peace also long for the fullness that family life brings, cuddles in bed and funny family inside jokes that only we get! Life needs a bit of everything, well my life does and the occasional weekend away to please just our needs is enough, I am so excited to see them all now and get back to the craziness… I feel better able to take it all on - my batteries are recharged - I am ready to flow with the chaos, love and watch my family grow it wont be easy, there will be more panic over lost socks and personalities clashing but we roll with love and belonging at our core and the occasional adult only break to take that breath and check in.

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